Tuesday, April 9, 2013

"Death To Love"

  This past week i've been very busy and sick but i'm back and ready to work; how about you?
Well, i had an doctors appointment today. My doctor said I should go out & date someone and I’m at that age where i should be looking for someone to start a life with but, I hate dating plus, I’m not that interesting for someone to date; lets be realistic here. My interests are completely different than other people my age. BUT she’s right; I’m 24 next thing you know I’m 30 years old. I can’t stay buried in school and my career forever.
  She also said that I need to learn how to take care of myself and that I can’t look after my mommy, my uncle among others forever; I have to put myself first. Maybe I need a man who will teach me how to put myself first or a man who will put me first. *sighs* see, this is why I try to leave my love life alone and stay away from anyone who have male genitals; it’s nothing but a distraction. It’s too much. I’m just not expecting nothing from love; my love life is such a bag of randomized mystery. You just don’t know what you’re gonna get so, I’m expecting the worst. Sad to say but it's true.
  I guess my bad experiences are overshadowing my good ones. How do i do that? How do i create good moments in my love life? Ugh! I need a psychiatrist. Lol!  I do plan on getting out more this spring and summer. I don't get out much; well, at all to be honest. I just walk around with my music and stay to myself. I'm completely different as an adult than who i was as a kid. I was so social & interested in so many things and now as an adult i push people away and i can't trust others.
  It's so sad that i did that to myself. Like they say; things that happen to you as an adolescent can take effect into your adulthood and it did. My mommy was telling me that i have a temper; in which i don't agree on. I just hold my tongue on a lot of things and i can tolerate a lot. Maybe my issue is that i hold too much in but when i am in need to let loose nobody's there to listen; everybody is too busy. What do i do? I've learned that nobody is going to be there for you but yourself. It might seem selfish to most but i don't have another logical choice to choose from.
  Doing everything on my own is a fixed habit i developed because i can't depend on others to help me when i need it the most. I never came across someone who is reliable. I told my doctor today that majority of the people who comes my way just want to use me; i never had anybody who was there just to give support or even a friendship. It's always people taking from me when i have nothing worth taking; It's frustrating for me. I'm always building myself back up. You've got to keep yourself happy as much as possible physically, mentally and emotionally by all means; nobody likes a debbie downer; not even me. Lol! Anyhoo, back to doing school work. it's 11:42pm. I know i will be up all night.

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